Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Literature / Hobbyist HannahFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 7 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 261 Deviations 5,782 Comments 49,430 Pageviews

Activity


1.sometimes i wonder if the past is too dead to dig up
it's not that 
i think what i find will be too ugly to hold in my hands,
i'm just afraid that since it's been to the other side
it will want nothing to do with anything that's mine

2.i quit smoking pot 
so i just started drinking more.

3.i can't casually see anyone
without getting sick of them
without getting repulsed by their touch
or thinking of their love.

4.sometimes 
i think about calling you
i don't know what i would say
it has been so long. it has been years
i guess i am too embarrassed 
of who i was
of who i still am

how do i say i am sorry for what i did,
but i am glad that i did because i would
not be where i am, in this moment, without it. i am sorry i 
hurt you but it had to be that way. i am sure
you were happier in the long run,
too. 
you internalized me
turned your eyes back,
twisted your arteries
watched me

i ran barefoot
through your nightmares:
in one you were kissing me
as i suffocated you with my hair and
you barely noticed it was there.
in another you cradled your
mother in bed while she cried
and you watched your brother
fall through the wall and land
alongside a lamb eating a lion.
in the next you were standing
in the midst of a lecture
beneath your skin while the professor yelled, 'move-
divide- stay where you are- become
something else- kill yourself-
it is not your choice to
decide."
in the last you were taking
the most important test of your life
and i was a ghost
dancing naked on your lap
telling you the answers. you wrote down
every word i said in a trance and after you finished,
i laughed so hard that i cried and you realized
you answered every question with, "the bitch
lied."

i was terrified
and ran from your nightmares
to your sweet, sweet dreams
in the first, we were in a bubble
in the middle of august and we were
dancing and there were rainbows dripping
from my hair and every time i laughed
it echoed green and yellow and blue
and every time i touched you
it left an imprint of the inside
of an orgasm.
in another, your mother cradled you
while you cried. you were a fetus on
the outside of her body and she assured
you that everything was alright. her smile
became the middle of sunshine and
you stopped crying.
in the next you were in a dark forest
with a giant white tree that became
a giant white screen and every beautiful
moment of your life, from womb to 72,
played over and over again while
you cried and you realized it was
okay to be dead because you
got to be alive.
in the last, you were walking
on a yellow track of light
above the city. the light split in half
and you gasped and grabbed at it but it burned
you. you screamed and closed your eyes
until you realized that you
were flying. you had to fall,
but you were fucking
flying.

i sat in between all of your
dreams and wept,
i realized there was
no way out and slept until you woke.
last night mike & i were sitting in the jungle
half past two, still coked up, woke up
he said, "the other night when i was
falling asleep i started thinking of
life ten years from now. i saw myself in
new york city, paul in san francisco, and you,
god knows where, but the point is, we
were all separated, and i hated it.
i was dating someone
and he was trying to get my attention
but all i could say was, 'sorry, i have
to Skype
hannah & paul.' nothing
scares me more,
and it's inevitable,
we will all
scatter."
and i felt my heart clench, like,
this is really it, these are the people
that i love, these are the people
i want to spend my life with.
fuck marriage, fuck everlasting
commitment that sours in an instant.
we jokingly made plans to create a
domestic partnership where we
raise children together-
and paul's the sperm donor,
one big happy
fucking strange ass family.
i want to be thirty
in new york city with you
terrorizing tourists and making
friends with local florists and laughing
when everyone asks if we're a couple.
and i realized
right then
that i had never pictured my life ten years from now- at any point-
and it sobered the moment-
recognizing the fact
that i never expected or
intended
to live past 25-

but if i do,
what will it mean
without my best friends
at my side
on real, true, never ending love
in your early twenties you fall in love with your friends
Loading...

your love was subtle

unprovoked

I fed it nothing, it did not

stomp down the halls, it did not

blare from the windows, its voice

did not linger in the hallways.

 

did it have a voice at all?

 

it felt the way

a shadow feels when it passes

too quickly.

for a second I am cold, the next I don’t know it.

 

we sat

on my porch in the dark

I had just ended it

and you said it was the end of summer

too.

 

I sipped from my glass

and smoked a cigarette

sparing no breath,

you smoked a blunt

slowly

and said, “do you know what this reminds me of?”

 

I was already thinking

of you holding my hand in the airport.

Trujillo to Lima, Lima to Dallas, Dallas to…

home?

 

I missed the dust

without you.

Last night I had a dream that 
We talked in person
It was all just a big misunderstanding,
You didn't want to admit how you really felt.  
I took you back home and introduced you to my father
You followed me up the stairs and couldn't keep your hands off me
You laid me down against the wall in the hallway
You were kissing me all over and I couldn't stop staring at your shoulders
I love your fucking shoulders
God bless swimmers
Then I woke up
And remembered the shit that went down last night
I think I really lost you this time,
If I can say I ever really had you to begin with. 
1.sometimes i wonder if the past is too dead to dig up
it's not that 
i think what i find will be too ugly to hold in my hands,
i'm just afraid that since it's been to the other side
it will want nothing to do with anything that's mine

2.i quit smoking pot 
so i just started drinking more.

3.i can't casually see anyone
without getting sick of them
without getting repulsed by their touch
or thinking of their love.

4.sometimes 
i think about calling you
i don't know what i would say
it has been so long. it has been years
i guess i am too embarrassed 
of who i was
of who i still am

how do i say i am sorry for what i did,
but i am glad that i did because i would
not be where i am, in this moment, without it. i am sorry i 
hurt you but it had to be that way. i am sure
you were happier in the long run,
too. 

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2015
:iconlawooplz:
Hannah, Hannah
Bo banna
Banana fanna fo fanna
Fe fi mo manna...
Hannah!

rockin' it thru words :w00t:
Reply
:iconef-barber:
ef-barber Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2015
Really moved by your writing <3
Reply
:iconherbodyismycoffin:
herbodyismycoffin Featured By Owner May 25, 2015   Writer
thank you for the favorite, it's such an honor coming from you
Reply
:iconathlios:
Athlios Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Happy birthday Hannah :)
Reply
:iconsabeks:
SABeks Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014
Happy Birthday!!! Hannah! :party::cake::airborne::wave:
Reply
:icongioarturi:
GioArturi Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2014
Happy Birthday!!! :rose: :cake: :party: :sun: :heart: :love:
Reply
:iconvanessaahh:
vanessAAHH Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
UnspecifiedUnknown sent me a link to your profile and I have been favoriting your poetry ever since.
Reply
:icondiddlyhohum:
diddlyhohum Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
ah yes, she's mentioned you quite a few times, saying how i would love your work. embarrassed to say i have yet to look, but then again i rarely use this site anymore. checking you out soon, i promise :heart:
and thanks so much for stopping by to read!
Reply
:iconvanessaahh:
vanessAAHH Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow, did she? I am surprised, I don't think my work is really something to be spread around haha and don't feel embarrassed about not having read any, I won't take it personally or judge your character for it ha, (:
Good to see that even though you might not use this site much anymore that you at least still take the time to post new word art!
Reply
:iconmatieucanadawilliams:
MatieuCanadaWilliams Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Your pieces are always so beautiful, I admire your writing talent and am always blown away by your words.

I hope you're having a nice day/night!
Reply
Add a Comment: